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(no subject) [Jul. 20th, 2012|02:10 am]
i don't know what to do with this journal. the only reason i still have this is to download music, ask questions about my mac, and ONTD. otherwise, i really don't have any desire to write about my problems in such a public place anymore.

i know i avoided looking at comments on here, i'll look at them now.
Link1 can fly!|think happy thoughts

not sure why i'm making this public. [Apr. 29th, 2012|02:31 am]
it wouldn't be any use of writing it in private journal, i guess.

if i haven't already pushed the people i had in my life out the door, i feel like i've done so now. i need a break from school, but as much i love my family, i'm tired of spending every day with them. it's not like anyone's happy, anyway.

it's just that i feel like i annoy people. i don't get responses when i say, "hey, i'm free whenever, so just call me!" i guess people are tired of my past BS, especially when i don't call people back or look at my phone. facebook/twitter/tumblr updates on my life are probably enough for them because i don't have much to contribute when i see them IRL. i'm not the fun type either. my main interests are jesse eisenberg and combating all the -isms that one should be anti- in society. otherwise i can talk about all the shit that's depressing me, and really, none of these are good conversation topics. i rarely watch tv and i've watched a grand total of 5 movies since december.

and, y'know, it's not like i don't have schoolwork. i do, but i'm terrible at doing it. i've waited 'til the day of to do the past 2 assignments, and i have 5 more to go. school stresses me out to the point where i say no to plans, but don't do anything about it until the absolute last minute. i never wrote a postcard to my friend in england (it's too late now, she'll be back in the states soon i guess; i don't blame her for not calling me while she was in new york a while back); i'm afraid i won't get to see my friend before she moves to arizona (i did want to see her before she left for israel a second time but idk, there are always errands my aunt needs me for, and then there's fucking school), and i'd like to see my friend who lives about 5 minutes away, etc. and another who i've tried to get in contact with but after a text gotten too late, she hasn't contacted me since, so...

at some point i'd like to start dating and get a license, but y'know, i have to sort out all this other shit. on tuesday i'm forcing my dad to take me to the career center so they'll critique my resume, then i'll give copies out to 2 people i know the day after. it's a start and i need to force myself to do it. as for a license, as usual, everyone says, "oh yeah you're ready for this! make an appointment now!" yet i drive once every 2 weeks and the last time i parallel parked was in october.

i also never went through with finding a therapist. i think it's because my dad's schedule is unpredictable and i hate forcing my dad to drive me and pay for me and god forbid stress him out any further (he gets easily stressed if you give him more than one assignment and i unfortunately take after him). i stay with my family so much and yet i feel like i take a backseat because surprise, surprise, as much bullshit as i have, they have theirs. we all need shrinks as far as i'm concerned.

i feel better typing this out, however, i said i was going to make changes yesterday (saturday) and i have not. i really want to see my israel friend but i can't promise anything and i just so badly want to.
Link2 can fly!|think happy thoughts

Way to put a girl at ease. [Mar. 4th, 2012|03:32 am]
"Any full- or part-time undergraduate, graduate, or law school student currently enrolled may use our services. Personal, career, and educational counseling are available to all students free of charge for the first three sessions. A fee of $30 is charged for each counseling visit beyond the third session. Workshops and psychoeducational groups are provided free of charge."

Are you kidding me? I finally scrape up the nerve to get myself help again (after 3AM when I'm stressed the fuck out) and I'm told I'll be paying $30 a session? I need a lot more than 3 sessions. I'm not doing "workshops" and psychoeducational groups, like I know what the hell that's supposed to mean. I suppose it's better than what other doctors are charging, but I had counseling for free at the last school I went to. Doesn't this school make enough already??? My family just got into a unexpected financial rut (may have to cancel New Orleans, don't know if I'll be doing a summer class) and there's only one member of the family who's working. I dunno, maybe I'll talk to my dad. The work is starting to pile up and I have too much other shit on my mind to properly concentrate on it. I'm just so sad, so disatisfied with life, so unhappy. I can't bear it anymore.
Link2 can fly!|think happy thoughts

Things that have bothered me in the past couple of days [Feb. 22nd, 2012|09:44 pm]
- Jesse Eisenberg-related: Apparently he went the wrong way down a one-way street; got called an "asshole" by a female fan who didn't realize it was him at first. She only realized it was him when he rolled down his window to ask if she could let him in or something. Dunno if he knew she was yelling at him. I know what he was doing was wrong and potentially dangerous, but I think "asshole" and "dumbass" is kind of harsh (and ableist) and I resent anyone who name-calls behind the wheel. Maybe he honestly didn't know where he was going? IDK, it bothers when people are hostile and not willing to extend common courtesy because it's easier to call someone an asshole. And you know what? Secretly, people love that shit. People love when other people are mean to others. People are like "OMFG YOU HAVE THE BEST LIFE" and "OMG YOU'RE AWESOME" and it's just like... what? It also bothers me that she wants to apologize or "did" via Twitter, but if he wasn't famous or it was someone else, she probably would not. Either apologize because you think it's the right thing, or don't do it at all. Don't do it just because it's Jesse Eisenberg. I don't think it reflects well on her. IDK. Maybe she's right but I'm just being bitter.

- Also Jesse-related: the Dr. Pepper commercial he did in 2001 (he was approximately 17-18, still kind of a minor). It shows him being strip-searched by firefighters who claim they "have to do that" for no real reason, being carried out like that, and crowds of people (mostly girls) laughing at him because of his appearance. To me, it's a pretty embarassing and traumatizing commercial. I guess it's supposed to be funny, especially because it's a guy, but think about what it would look like if it was a girl/woman instead of a boy. Would everyone be laughing or would there be an outrage? I didn't find it funny at all; it was just a very weird premise for a soda commercial in the first place. And yet, so many people find it the best thing ever. IDG the fandom sometimes.

- Also Jesse-related: he comes off as so pretentious and/or an asshole sometimes in interviews. Makes me wonder if he's really that nice of a person =/

- Two nights ago, I had a dream in which I was pregnant. I was either at the end of a very short pregnancy or at the very start. I remember being afraid to throw up (big phobia there) and being afraid to give birth in general. I know I've said this before, but if I become a mother, I only want 1 child, and I would like to avoid pregnancy if I can. I'm not even comfortable with the idea of being a mother, even if/when I have all my shit sorted out psychologically and monetarily.

- Yesterday my aunt bought me Tea for Marriage: "not trying to rush you or anything..." O_O Today, she kind of insinuated that she didn't mean it seriously (we watch Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings together, so that's probably why), but still, it freaked me out and sort of made me feel inadequate. I'd love to have a relationship but I don't feel like I'm mentally/"socially" ready to be in one. This is old news. I'm open to try an online dating site, yet I feel like I'm going to end up dating a creepy guy because I feel like I attract those types of guys the most.
Link3 can fly!|think happy thoughts

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